Do you ever doubt your ability to express yourself assertively without coming across as aggressive, mean or selfish? Consider this scenario:
You’re on your lunch break at work, waiting 40 min for your food to arrive at a café. You decide not to follow up on your food’s ETA because you don’t want to ‘make a scene’ and ‘They’re really busy, I don’t want to bother them’. On one hand, you’re paying for this service and you urgently need to eat and go back to work. On the other hand, the staff seems to be incredibly stressed. You’re worried that your question will be seen as a complaint, cause a scene and make the waiter feel truly hopeless and ashamed, effectively ruining his day. The situation feels like a serious dilemma: you urgently need to achieve a goal, but you also don’t want to walk away feeling like a horrible person! How should you behave? Are your concerns justified?
If you’re someone who struggles with assertiveness, you too may become overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety, even when you desperately need to achieve a goal. You may struggle to balance so-called ‘socially-appropriate’ behaviour with your own priorities.
Many people struggle to asking for what they want out of a fear that they will appear to be self-centered, domineering or a bully. Most of the time, the opposite is truer. People who struggle with assertiveness and resort to passivity are often highly sensitive and empathic people. They might be the ‘helpers’ or ‘counsellors’ amongst friends or families. They may even feel a deep sense of pride and purpose in their desire to help and give to others.
Contrasted with the pride and fulfilment some people feel at being able to meet others’ needs, reflecting on their own priorities might feel uncomfortable and even embarrassing. There are many reasons for this: They may hold deep-seated beliefs that their needs are not as legitimate or important as other people’s. They feel so afraid of potential rejection or being seen as ‘selfish’ that they often aren’t really in touch with what they want at all. What makes them feel energised, fulfilled, nurtured. Or the kinds of personal choices and healthy boundaries that sustain their own mental health.
Avoiding assertiveness can seriously compromise our mental health
In more extreme cases, people who struggle with assertiveness often describe a sense of giving selflessly and endlessly to their bosses, partners, friends, children, without ever feeling a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction in their relationships. Instead they feel like they are constantly being ‘taken advantage of’ in a manner beyond their control. They perform favours and submit to other’s preferences out of a sense of obligation. There seems ‘no way out’: “I just have to! It’s the right thing to do.” At times they secretly seethe, wondering why they never get the same generosity in return.
Eventually, people may find themselves becoming a Silent Accountant, keeping a hidden score card that tracks the giving and receiving across close relationships. This can spiral into a passive-aggressive habit that builds on resentment and frustration, without really changing a thing. The problem lies in not being able to speak up or act, even when the accounts have reached a serious imbalance.
Differentiating ‘Selfishness’ from ‘Assertiveness’
Many people avoid assertiveness because they confuse assertiveness with selfishness. The word ‘selfish’ pushes all of our guilt buttons, yet our definition of it is often misguided.
Selfishness is putting your needs above everyone else’s, not caring about the impact on others. It means trying to make sure that you have an advantage over everyone else while ignoring, excluding or belittling their needs. Those who behave selfishly struggle to consider or understand other people’s experience, their wants and needs. They may believe that their own needs and interests are more important than other’s.
The key aim of selfishness is often connected to dominating or minimising someone else’s needs. The person behaving selfishly may not really care about being alienated from others.
Assertiveness is about taking responsibility for your own needs and meeting them in reasonable and self-fulfilling ways. You do not hold malice towards others, you’re not trying to disadvantage or punish someone else. While you state your needs, you are still aiming to be empathic, genuine and kind.
In other words, you’re willing to consider other points of view whilst staying connected to your priorities. Your openness also helps people know exactly where they stand with you. This can improve your relationships because you are open with others about what you need from them in order to feel valued and heard.
The key aim of assertiveness is to take responsibility for your choices and wellbeing. Another aim is to improve your connection with others, rather than alienating you from them. Assertiveness is an alternative to violating other people’s rights (using aggression), violating your own rights (using passivity) or allowing your rights to be violated but then finding covert ways to communicate your dissatisfaction (passive-aggression).
Like any skill, assertiveness takes practice. If you’re interested in assertiveness training, contact me here.
