Therapy for Self Esteem Issues
What is Self Esteem?
Self-esteem refers to our subjective sense of self-worth or self-respect. It impacts the way we view our ability to succeed in life, our competence, our confidence in maintaining good relationships; even our rights and responsibilities. If our self-esteem falls on extreme ends of the spectrum, we can experience intense distress, loneliness and interpersonal problems.
For example, an exceedingly high or grandiose level of self-esteem may be off-putting to others, alienating colleagues at work and proving destructive in personal relationships. Similarly, low levels of self-esteem can leads us into poor decision-making, destructive relationships and avoidance of new challenges or taking important risks. Ultimately, both types of self esteem can severely disrupt our ability to feel connected to ourselves and others, or to reach our full potential.
Given the subjective nature of self-esteem and the long-term impact of negative biased thinking, we can view ourselves in ways that completely contradict the facts of our lives. Our self-perception may have little resemblance to our achievements, qualities or the way others see us. As a result, low self-esteem is often at the core of mental health concerns such as depression or anxiety.
Do you have healthy levels of Self esteem?
Self-esteem is healthiest when it is based on a balance of different life accomplishments and spheres. Most people tend to judge their self-worth based on how well they are doing in a variety of life spheres: relationships, work, health, achievements at work or school, creative activities, etc.
People with a low sense of self-esteem tend to reflect fewer interest or activities that influence their self-confidence. For example, people with eating disorders tend to judge their self worth largely based on their weight, shape and ability to control these. In counselling, I sometimes recommend my clients draw up a Self Esteem Pie Chart, carving the pie into areas that most impact their judgments of self-worth. Frequently there are one area that dominates more than 50% of the pie, such as ‘academic achievement’ (see the example pie chart below):
Self Worth
When people base much of their self-worth on only one area of their lives, they are putting enormous pressure on making sure it works out well. When something goes wrong in this life area, it can feel as if their entire identity is under threat. This can often result in an exhausting cycle of perfectionism and self-blame.
Struggling with self esteem? ask yourself whether:
You tend to translate minor mistakes into global symbols of your worth as a person
You struggle to articulate your needs, boundaries or ideas without feeling ‘stupid’, ashamed or guilty
You struggle to forgive mistakes or imperfections, at times feeling like a ‘total failure’ regardless or your achievements
You avoid accepting responsibility for your actions, instead becoming highly defensive or passive and avoidant. Even the thought of openly acknowledging your mistake fills you with shame, anxiety or anger.
You have a tendency to compare yourself to others which leaves you feeling deflated about your own life, rather than energised or inspired
You base your self-worth on whether or not you are needed or loved by others
You overfocus your self-esteem around one specific area of your life, such as physical appearance, professional success or academic achievement. If something were to go wrong in these areas you would feel like a 100% failure
You evaluate yourself in an extremely strict ways, which perpetually leaves you feeling frustrated and disappointed with yourself
You experience guilt or shame when given compliments or positive feedback, almost as if you are being given a gift you ‘don’t deserve’
How Therapy Can help
As self-esteem is inherently entrenched in our internal dialogue and core beliefs, therapy can help you recognise your reactions as a result of patterned self-talk. We will explore the way your perception is biased towards negativity and internal criticism. In addition, therapy will involve:
Exploring the initial roots and context for your negative self-perception (eg. early family environment, traumatic life experiences or other significant life events)
Identify specific communication styles, behaviours or choices reinforce your low self-esteem
Recognise the key fears and anxieties holding you back from articulating your needs or saying ‘no’
Formulate new mental strategies that help you disarm negative thinking and replace it with a more balanced view of yourself
Role-playing assertive, respectful communication and healthy boundary setting in work life or personal settings
Identify the underlying core beliefs that may perpetuate your low self esteem and magnify your sense of guilt and shame
Help you find ways to connect to your personal values and principles, rather than feeling chained to the inherited ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ that no longer align with your identity
Practicing more balanced ways to view yourself, particularly when you are feeling the most triggered, upset or distressed- in other words, when your perception is most distorted.
To learn more, check out my articles about building assertiveness and self-esteem:
Why do we struggle with assertiveness?
What is the difference between being assertive and being selfish?
Assertiveness is an act of self-compassion