Our time in this life is so incredibly precious, yet so often we feel compelled to give it away without batting an eyelid.
Many of us develop the misguided belief that the opposite of selfishness is selflessness, as if there is something to be admired about having no boundaries at all around our time or emotional resources.
Assertiveness is a way to improve relationships
Assertive communication can actually be an act of caring and compassion that benefits other people and yourself, particularly when it is practiced with kindness and courtesy. Honest dialogue can clear up expectations in relationship and allow both parties to solves conflict together. Of course, some people may respond poorly regardless of how respectfully you communicate. However, it is important to stay connected to your inherent right to respect your own time, needs and emotions.
Practicing assertive communication can also drastically improve our mental health and reduce our anxiety about a problem. Think of how exhausting it feels to hold on to disappointment or frustration, without feeling like you can change the situation. Constantly pretending you’re ‘cool with it’ when you’re actually hurting. However uncomfortable it might feel at the time, assertive communication may eventually help you feel more connected to others in the long-term.
There is a famous Hebrew saying “If I am not for myself, then who is for me?” If I do not advocate for myself, or communicate my needs I run the risk of burning out, setting unrealistic expectations and bad precedents, feeling resentful towards others and myself. Sometimes even behaving in passive-aggressive ways.
“When we care for our needs, we give others the right to care for themselves as well.”
It gives them permission to say, I care about you and want to support you but I can’t give to you when I’m low on my own energy sources.
Consider this example: when the cabin pressure drops during a flight, you’re instructed to apply your own oxygen masks before helping others. If you were to leave your oxygen mask til last, you would lose consciousness fairly quickly and be of little help to anyone. Similarly, when we continuously put other’s needs before our own, emotional exhaustion and compassion fatigue are a guaranteed conclusion.
Articulating our own boundaries and needs in respectful, kind ways are not only possible, but effective in maintaining our health and good relationships.
Developing an understanding about assertiveness:
It is my responsibility to articulate and prioritise my needs. Everyone has this responsibility for themselves, otherwise we cannot maintain healthy boundaries between where I start and you end. If I don’t prioritise my needs, I risk their neglect. This could place pressure on someone else to ‘mindread’ what I want, make decisions for me or ‘save me’. This can be self-defeating because it reinforces a cycle: I do not have agency to make good choices for myself
When you say “no” you are refusing a request, not rejecting a person. Express yourself firmly and respectfully. And try not to drag it out. Part of declining an offer respectfully is giving the other person enough time to process your refusal and find another alternative. Think of people who start dating someone they feel ambivalent about in order to avoid ‘hurting their feelings’ with a breakup
It is simply not realistic to say ‘yes’ to every request (think of an employee who takes on every single project and more, whilst feeling increasingly run-down and burnout). When we say “no” to one thing we are actually saying “yes” to something else.
Similarly, saying ‘yes’ to one activity means a ‘no’ to something else that might enrich our lives or preserve our mental health, such as alone time and that extra hour of sleep. We always have a choice and we are constantly making choices. It’s completely reasonable to weigh up the pros/cons of committing to requests of your time and energy.
People who have difficulty with assertiveness usually overestimate the difficulty that the other person will have in accepting the refusal. We are not trusting that they can cope with hearing a “no” for example. Expressing our feelings openly actually liberates the other person to express their feelings. By saying “no” to somebody, it allows them to say “no” to your requests. As strange as this sounds, this allows both parties to set reasonable, healthy boundaries and take responsibility for maintaining them.
Being assertive does not mean that you always get what you want. Being assertive is about expressing yourself in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Sometimes this means you may or may not get what you want, sometimes you must find a mutually satisfactory compromise.
Context is everything. We do not have to be assertive in every situation. You may find that being assertive in certain situations is not the most helpful way to behave at the time (for example, if someone is extremely aggressive in the face of direct feedback). However, understanding how to be assertive provides you with the choice of when to be assertive and how to enact healthy boundaries.
Learning to be assertive provides you with agency and choice.
